Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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