You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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