Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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