I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
