She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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