I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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