I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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