he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
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I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
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Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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