I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
