I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
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Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
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I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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