someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
