Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
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