If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
