Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
