I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
