He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Randomize
