puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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