well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
