Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
