I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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