You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
