Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
