Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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