Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
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