All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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