I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
