this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
