Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
