I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
