Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Randomize
