Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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