It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
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I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
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You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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