alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
