Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Come see our sink grown plant.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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