haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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