i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
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