Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
