Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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