She is in my trunk
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
