Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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