I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Randomize
