so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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