what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
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i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
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And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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