Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
