Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
