we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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