I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
