my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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