I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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