Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
