I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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