Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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