go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
