Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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