someone owes me an orgasm
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
