he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
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