I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
