My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
