please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
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It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
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we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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