OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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