the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
We need to rekindle our bromance
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
