I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
