You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
